24: A Letter

Teresa,

Happy 24th Anniversary! I love you and miss you every day. It’s almost impossible to believe that this is the fifth year that I am celebrating this day without you here and, yet, the empty seat across from me doesn’t let me forget.

I’m writing this letter today at Rogue. It isn’t the Rogue that we used to go to downtown but after Fritz and I drove by this location last week, I felt it was the place to come to today. It’s not fancy and certainly not where we would have gone but the nostalgia felt strong as I started telling Fritz about all the times we would end up at Rogue after going on hikes around Oregon and Washington both before and after we moved here. And Mikey was there every time (or seemingly so) to serve us a Hazelnut Brown and Dead Guy Ale. I believe that you would still not be impressed by the vegetarian options but the Strawberry Spinach Salad was very good and was a nice compliment to the Steak bites (with mushrooms and green onions) that I also ordered and ate.

Yes, I ate both of our meals.

Prior to my eating my way through Rogue’s menu, I embarked on a journey not unlike last year, though this time I had no problem finding the coffee place I was looking for, but spent a good hour and a half finding a trail to hike.

I had a plan. And it was a good plan. But life offered a different plan.

As I have detailed in the last two letters, my search for good coffee in Vernonia is something that still haunts me and, I’ll admit, I was tempted to try to go back this year as I was given the inside dope (via a Facebook post by the roaster) that their coffee was going to be available this past Saturday (for Salmon Day again). Despite the temptation to put this saga to rest and bring enough cash to buy all of the guns being raffled this year, I chose not to go as I don’t believe my heart could have withstood the pain that I would have felt if the coffee was, say, sold out or had been bartered for all of the raffle-guns, leaving me with nothing but hopeless regret.

And so, I had a plan. And it was a good plan.

Speaking of plans, since my last letter to you in May the kids and I took a couple of trips this summer, both of which we enjoyed. In July we went to Hawai’i, where the kids and I spent a couple of days together on O’ahu where we crammed in as much as we possibly could. We went on a UTV tour of Ku’aloa Ranch (where parts of Jurassic Park, King Kong, Lost and many other shows and movies were filmed) and visited Pearl Harbor on your dad’s birthday. We thought a lot about him that day and wondered how he handled being on a submarine as we toured the one in harbor there. I hope his was bigger and more spacious as I got claustrophobic being in there for the few minutes that we were. Fritz led us to many amazing restaurants those couple of days and Burke guided us to some cool vintage shops and record stores. The kids also spent some time hanging out in a bay at sunset.

The kids then took their first solo flight as they went to the Big Island where they had a lot of fun with Aunt Steph, Uncle Jeff and their cousin, Kylee. They went to a beach, saw several waterfalls and spent a day out on a boat where they got to swim in the ocean and find out how red their skin could get before bursting into flames (pretty red, it turns out). While the kids were on the Big Island, I stayed on O’ahu where, not unlike today, I had really good plans…but…so did life, it turns out. 

The first sign of trouble for my solo time came when I couldn’t find my car in the airport parking garage and, by the time I did and drove the short distance back to the hotel, Burke and Fritz had already landed on the Big Island. On my way from Waikiki to Waialua I stopped at the Bishop Museum, which was one of the most amazing museums I have been to. Unfortunately, my time was cut short by a sneeze. A sneeze that was felt deep in my soul and reverberated through my body to such a degree that, as my back seized and spasmed, I heard the Goddess Pele gasp in awe of the power this sneeze had wrought.

As this sneeze wreaked havoc on my back, it also wreaked havoc on my plans. I had planned to volunteer at Waimea Valley the next day to help plant local plants, pull weeds and whatever I was asked to do. I really wanted to give back to the island in this way, but it was not to be. After a night of tears, being terrified of the horrible squawks of the peacocks that surrounded the area of the rental I was staying in and wondering if I should just fly to the Big Island to be with the kids, I chose to stay and discover all that I was meant to discover there. It’s a beautiful place, and I found myself on many adventures following a book that showed various ancient sites of the area and found myself hanging out watching many turtles as they rode the waves at various beaches and bays. I went on hikes and got to meet a friend and her dog for dinner and a hike.

I found that when I got myself moving and out in nature, out with others, out…out…out, that a spark would be ignited in me. I loved meeting new people and having fun conversations with those who I met and am trying to remember that in my day-to-day life so that I continue to move towards that which fires me up instead of that which lulls me into complacency.

The kids and I then spent a few days on the Big Island with Steph and Jeff, where we shared many good meals, attempted to hit golf balls into their land’s jungle and went on a hike to see where Captain Cook was killed; a place in which I barely made it out alive myself as the kids had a certain gleam in their eye during the torturous hike out. Despite this near-death experience, we all had a great time visiting the beautiful islands and spending time with family.

A couple of weeks after getting home we then flew out to Oklahoma to visit my parents. This was not an easy trip as my mom has not been well and is confined to her bed. It was really good to spend time with her and my dad but difficult emotionally. Being there, I found a greater understanding of being with what is and letting go of what was or what I wish to be. I am in awe of my Dad and his infinite care, love and devotion to my mom and I hold them both very dearly in my heart. The kids and I did what we could to help while we were there (including my generous help in putting together a bookcase inside-out, backward and upside down for my Dad) and at nights we went out to dinner where, again, Fritz and Burke both picked stellar places to eat. The first night, however, was my choice and I took the kids to Cattleman’s where we feasted on steak, potatoes and, yes, lamb fries. The food was terrific but the sight of Fritz taking down the deserts was something that will live on in my memory for all times.

My plans for today were also meant to be memorable. They were, in fact, full proof. They were great, some may say the greatest plans ever, and it was impossible for me to lose unless it was stolen from me like…Sorry, I nearly turned into you know who, who is running again for you know what after LOSING you know when...

My plan was this: I would get the kids off to school, go to New Seasons to get some food for lunch, stop at Powell’s to buy a couple of books that spoke to me about love and then on to Scappoose to go to a coffee shop that I knew had good coffee and was pretty sure they sold it there as they did in their location in the St John’s neighborhood. When the coffee was secured, it would be on to Sauvie Island where I planned on hiking the trails around the wilderness preserve.

It all fell into place until I got close to the trailhead and was met with a gate.

A closed gate.

A gate that spoke of an ominous end to my perfect plan.

I walked slowly to the gate and was determined to walk the rest of the way until I saw the sign that said something about being closed for hunting and, as I failed to go to Vernonia to win my very own hunting AR-whatever, I knew that I had once again been derailed my liberal-non-gun-owning-bleeding-heart-he-him self.

And so…I did what I knew I must.

With school starting at the end of August, the kids have also been doing what they must.

Burke, who missed most of the first week of school due to being sick, has been working hard at his much more challenging classes and is currently getting all A’s and B’s. Burke also got a parking permit for school, so he no longer has to take the bus. He loves the freedom of being able to drive and is now able to drive his girlfriend and friends around by himself, as well. Burke has also become a Bears fan and the two of us have enjoyed watching the games together this season. Burke continues to be, and become, an amazing young man. He is a caring, driven, fun, handsome and intelligent person and I am so grateful to be his father. 

As I mentioned earlier, Fritz and I drove by Rogue last week. We were on our way to a Jack White concert at Revolution Hall and I loved every minute of it. Whether Fritz loved every minute or every third minute, I don’t know but I had a blast hanging out with him. Fritz has also been very busy with school and, right before we went to Hawai’i, he got braces. Right now, they are just on his upper teeth, but he will be getting them on his bottom teeth as well soon. As usual, he has handled it like a champ and made the choice to get them. He is a tough, gentle and compassionate young man who has such a wonderful sense of humor. As with Burke, I am so grateful to be his dad and I think he is truly grateful to be my son…at least until the Bears beat the Vikings this season.

Perhaps the Bears won’t beat the Vikings but, with all that I have learned today and over these last few months, I will be prepared for my plans not working out.

With the trails closed on Sauvie Island, I found a trail back in Scappoose that looked promising even though it required me going right back where I started.

And I am glad that I did.

In the end, I ended up walking some trails at the Vedanta Retreat and it was absolutely the right place to be. There were other cars parked at the trailhead, but I saw no one else on the trails. I honestly don’t know if I can put words to this place. It embodied all that this life can be. It held nature reverently and lightly. It created space for so many varied and different beliefs; shrines nestled into coves of trees and brush to honor these beliefs and allowing folks a place to sit peacefully and contentedly with those beliefs. This place held a view that was breathtaking and so very difficult to walk away from.

From this vantage point I could see Mt Rainer, Mt St. Helens, Mt Adams and Mt Hood. I saw swirls of hawks soaring and circling above groves of trees and in the foreground of rivers, farmland, forests and the mighty spine of the Cascades.

I didn’t want to leave. It was too beautiful to leave. It was too unexpected to leave. It was what I wanted to be witness to for as long as I could. The soothing rustle of the leaves. The singing of the birds. The feeling of inclusiveness. It was what I wanted (and needed) to feel today.

And then I left.

There was more to experience on this day, in this life.

I wish you were here. I wish that you were here to celebrate these last five anniversaries with me as we had celebrated before. I want to have explored the Arboretum with you. I want to have hiked Bridal Veil falls with you again. I want to have sat next to the Columbia River with you and thrown flowers in this wonderous river that held prayers that our love for one another would be spread along the flowers journey on these waters. I want to have not found good coffee with you in Vernonia and both be visited by random dogs along the trails of Stub Stuart State Park. I want to have had coffee with you in Scappoose, then drive with you to Sauvie Island only to drive back to Scappoose and witness a place that will resonate with me for my life to come.

I want these things.

And yet, life had different plans for us.

Plans that don’t seem perfect at all. Plans that were very out of line with what we had made.

And, yet.

As I was making my way back to the van I began wandering on various trails. Some were short, leading to a bench set away in the forest. Some trails were longer and more strenuous, having many uphill slogs and easeful downhill slopes. I found myself at times embracing the peaceful places that I was, stopping and letting sounds of the forests wash over me. At other times, I felt the need to turn this experience into exercise so that I continue to work towards losing weight and getting back into shape and found myself pushing hard up the hills until I had run out of breath and needed to stop.

It was during an uphill push on the Prajna Trail that I something else unplanned occurred. I pushed myself hard to go up the hill quickly and paused to catch my breath thinking that I was far from the end of the trail. Looking around I noticed that I was much closer than I thought and decided to push myself again to finish.

I went one way and most of the calf muscle in my left leg stayed put and found myself doing a slow limp out of the park and, after the drive to Rogue, an even more pronounced limp into the restaurant.

My plan was to continue to exercise hard this week. To get back to where I was a few years back.

That was my plan.

While I won’t get to celebrate our anniversary with you in the way that we did for the first 19 years, I felt you in the breeze today and heard you in the rustle of the leaves that stilled me for an unknown amount of time. I saw you in the raven who circled over me as I stood to leave the amazing view of the mountains, rivers and meadows.  

You are with me often and I know it when I allow myself to. I feel it when I allow myself to feel it. I experience it when I let go of how I had planned that we would celebrate these anniversaries and be with the way that we celebrate now.

Happy Anniversary, Teresa, and thank you for being with me on this journey in the way that you are and in the ways that you have been.