22

Teresa -

Happy Anniversary pumpkin-pie!

Today is the 22nd anniversary of our wedding, it’s truly hard to imagine that much time has passed.

You were 22 the day that we got married.

I miss you so much and have struggled this year in determining how to celebrate our anniversary. The last couple of years I have gone hiking and then had dinner at Mucca Osteria but I haven’t felt good about doing that this year. I still may go hiking but I think I may find a place to do a picnic lunch/dinner instead. I bought cheeses, breads, deserts, etc - all stuff that I think you would have wanted to eat.

I stopped drinking a few months ago and I think I don’t want to go to dinner as I would probably order a glass of wine or two and I think I have been better off not drinking right now. The rawness of the feelings need to be felt without aid or numbness now, as painful as that can be at times.

I wonder what we would have done today if you were here. Would we have gone to Mucca or, maybe someplace closer to home - to the kids? Would the significance of another year together have been as present as it was in the early years (1st, 5th, 10th, etc)?

Sadly, or perhaps gratefully, I see the significance of all of our time together more than I did when those years were celebrated. I’m sorry for that but I think life had lulled me to sleep at times and it’s only now that I’m learning to re-awaken. Either way I’m grateful for all of the years we spent together and I thank you for choosing to spend them with me and welcoming and accepting me to spend them with you.

I was telling a friend yesterday that I feel my love for you so deeply in my being and the certainty that you were the only person that I wanted to be in a relationship with. Again, there were time where I showed it more completely to you than others, but please know that it was always there regardless of what phase my showed emotions for you were in. I feel it now and have no doubts that I will feel it until we meet again on the same side of the veil.

Out of curiosity I looked up the signficance of the number 22 as this is our 22nd anniversary and you were 22 when we were married. What I gather is that the number speaks to balance, harmony and twin flames, in regards to love and relationship. I remember the conversations that we had about being soulmates and I think about how we did balance each other out in many ways. I have also been thinking about how we didn’t plan a lot of things in our life but lived in a certain harmony with the tides of life. It was pointed out to me yesterday that our relationship was seen as a dance, a dance that we committed to almost from the time we met and continued until it was your time to leave. I like this idea because it speaks to the partnership that we had and allows for the missteps and missed steps that happen as two souls try to stay in time with their partner while also trying to maintain their individual part in the dance.

I find myself at a coffee shop sitting in a little nook that hold a bench and is being hugged on all sides (with just enough space to serve as an opening) by flowers colored in yellow, pink and purple and plants in various shades of greens and varied sizes of leafs. I feel like I’m being hugged in this space and it is very comforting as I write this and feel the emotions that come each time I write about you or to you. The plants (and nature in general) have provided a lot of comfort to me and they remind me of you and your garden. How much that space in our yard meant to you and the care that you offered all that you grew there. You worked so hard maintaining and growing these beautiful plants and it’s s special that many are still there growing. The boys and I have dedicated a space for you in the garden where we have used your gardening boots as planters and plant flowers in them and around them in your honor for your birthday and on Mother’s Day. I hope that feels good to you.

I followed a trail today that was both unexpected and beautiful. It felt like I was continuing our dance with life while holding you in my heart instead of my arms.

I had scheduled a breathwork session today and went there after coffee. During this session food came into my awareness and I remembered how much we loved going out to eat and how you loved to pour over the menu in the days leading up to our nights out. It was challenging at times to make sure the places we went to had a good vegetarian option and while it didn’t always work out well, I gained a lot of pleasure finding places that you did enjoy. So while I was thinking about food, I started really thinking about ice cream and knew that this was now part of my agenda.

As I followed the trail with the best moves I could muster I came across the ice cream shop I didn’t know I was looking for while heading to Powells to find books I didn’t know that I needed. I then headed to the Columbia River Gorge, a place I wasn’t sure I would go to today.

I almost turned back when I made it to the place in the Gorge I had thought about going. I was worried about traffic though I had no place to go and was concerned by how many people were around and wanted to have some space to honor our day.

I followed the trail and was led by intuition to a beach along the river that was only occupied by a crane, fish jumping from the water and a myriad of birds and critters. It was a beautiful place and was just the right place to sit and remember you and our day together. I brought flowers with me and two of them I laid on the beach where I sat. I wrote your initials in the sand with a big heart above them. The third flower I offered to the river so that it could carry a part of our love along its currents and maybe, someday, somebody who is in need of feeling loved will feel a ripple of ours and will feel nourished and cared for.

I liked that idea and hope you did too.

I followed the crane down the beach a bit but got the feeling it didn’t want me to come any closer so I made my way back to the van.

I ended up going out for dinner. It was a pizza place nearby our house. It was a nice meal but I’m not certain it would not have been your favorite. I’m not certain it was mine either but it was where the trail led and so I went.

Reflecting on this day and the life that we shared together I can’t help but be grateful.

And sad. I miss you. So much.

I’m grateful, though, that we got to spend as much time together as we did. I’m glad that the oh-so rare boldness came out of me so many years ago when I asked you to marry me six weeks into our relationship.

I’m grateful that you loved me and that you accepted my love for you.

I’m grateful that you believed in me and saw the parts of me that I didn’t see.

Happy 22nd Anniversary Teresa, and thanks for dancing with me in this life and dancing within my heart now.

I love you.